wikialityfandomcom-20200214-history
The Colbert Report/Episode/526
Production Info |- |} |- |} The Check-In * Dr. Colbert discusses His Jewish Friend's guest for tomorrow's show, Jim Cramer * Dr. Colbert offered him a Lincoln to go easy on friend of The Report ** betting on Jim Cramer is the only way Stephen can make back the money he lost by listening to Jim Cramer Intro The Wørd * Obama proved he was an enemy of earmarks by signing the budget bill that contained 9,000 earmarks * changed the culture in Washington ** to end the old way of doing business * it's hard to be poor ** even harder to have a lot of money * was on success ** war on achievement ** subsidize loser's mortgages * the way to fight back is Tonight's Word: Rand Illusion * turning to the book of a visionary ** Ayn Rand's book Atlas Shrugged * Ayn Rand author philosopher, female comb-over pioneer * sales of the book rise every time Obama mentions bailout ** it's gotten so desperate; Americans are reading! * the poor, or as Rand call them: ** the moochers who claim your products by tears * the rich go on strike ** John Gault * you have nothing to offer us, we do not need you ** Conservative Bible * Rand fans: ** Reagan ** Alan Greenspan ** satanist Anton LeVay * going Gault ** rich scaling productivity ** goingjohngault.org *** calculating * movers and shakers leave America and form their own countries ** CEOs ** House republicans ** TV pundits * Dr. Colbert wants to find an island ** made up of people who make society work * self-interested, type-As * Dr. Colbert will join you as soon as you * Dr. Colbert is going gault, putting The Report on hold * a 50-year old America that never existed when millions are losing jobs, homes and hope * nothing more important that putting yourself first Bitter Pill * sometimes the most important medical discoveries are accidental ** that's why Dr. Colbert operates blindfolded * Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. * Stephen reminds The Heroes that he is not a medical doctor; he has an honorary degree in Fine Arts ** his genius won't be recognized until long after his patients are dead * Brought to you by Prescott * if you're not using Prescott, you probably saw that one episode of Law & Order Health in The Courts ** Supreme Court ruled 6-3 in favor of a Vermont musician. Fining Wyeth Pharmaceuticals $6.4 million after she lost her arms after using a Wyeth product * the ruling reminds us that just because a product is approved by the FDA doesn't make it safe ** which is why none of Prescott's products are approved by the FDA (That's a Prescott Promise™) * the ruling makes the pharmaceutical industry open to lawsuits ** Prescott introduces first ever industry-targeted product: VaxaPlea * one dose will allow the vulnerable drug-makers to hide behind devastating mental illness (now that they no longer have the Supreme Court to hide behind) ** release a lawsuit-resistant combination of mercury and oven cleaner that target the portions of the brain responsible for not seeing spider-demons * Side effects: ** lung quake ** facial cork boarding ** eye-arrhea Sweat Health * cosmetic surgeons can remove sweat glands with laser surgery * lasers are nature's cure-all ** poor eye-sight ** hair-removal ** inability to find nipples during a slide show presentation * sweating may be necessary to prevent overheating, but the human body is adaptable ** if we lose our the function of our sweat glands, we will learn to crap fire * Prescott's Water Seal * simply apply where ever you have pores to create a water-tight skin lacquer ** WARNING: if the product comes into contact with your eyes, consult a taxidermist * Side effects ** bearded thalamus ** transsexual kidneys ** rectal dyslexia Pre-Natal Health * a Los Angeles fertility company offers parents the chance to "design" their children * pre-implantation genetic diagnosis, was originally meant to screen for diseases, but now it's used for: ** selecting gender or ** selecting physical traits * genetic technology has advanced to where parents can now pick the physical traits for their children, or "designer young 'uns" ** the Los Angeles clinic may also offer in-utero spray tans * designer baby technology raises the question: what traits will parents select? * parents may pick short arms * for those who want custom babies without designer prices, Prescott Pharmaceuticals presents: * Build-A-Baby Workshop, coming to a mall near you ** offering hundreds of different eye colors, from "Icy Blue" to Arctic Blue ** eliminate unwanted family traits like Grandma's Weak Chin or Dad's ethical qualms about eugenics * Build-A-Baby, because no one should have to love just any baby™! * Side Effects ** flu-namis ** spontaneous myrrh tail ** Honey-nut areola Prescott Pharmaceuticals, we have a medicine for any ailment caused by our previous medicines Interview * Howard Fineman ** Newsweek correspondent ** new book about great debates *** after this interview he better write a sequel * book: "Thirteen American Arguments: Enduring Debates That Inspire and Define Our Country" * Stephen has 13 arguments before breakfast * 13 is lucky ** 13 colonies ** 13 stripes in the flag * history in the headlines ** dive in and learn some history ** make scratch * he is an inside beltway media elite ** he decides what the rest of America * examples: ** relationship between the government and the market * communal and communism have the same root * Dr. Colbert doesn't go to ice cream social * cannot sail across a country * do other countries have arguments? * France ** eat cheese or smoke during our three-ways? * arguments are good ** The civil war was the best thing to ever happen ** guns * passionate about their arguments **accept the humanity of the people on the other side ** may accept their idea is valid * essential to every argument that Dr. Colbert has: ** the other guy's wrongness * One of the arguments: who is an American? ** never seen Obama's birth certificate * we were a nation of immigrants, we are now a nation of Americans! * to save on time: ** yes ** no ** yes ** yes ** kick ass & take names ** only once in college Epilogue * Dr. Colbert promises that if The Heroes clap for 23.5 hours straight, he will come back for an encore! Gallery Image: Image:TheReportOnHold.jpg Image: Image:CheatingDeathDisclaimer.jpg Image:HealthInCourts.jpg Image:VaxaPlea.jpg Image:SweatHealth.jpg Image:FindingNipples.jpg Image:Prescott'sWaterSeal.jpg Image:Pre-NatalHealth.jpg Image:WiderShotArthurCaplan.jpg Image:Build-A-BabyWorkshop.jpg Image: Image: Image: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments